Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Melanie Curse Zap #3 (or Proxy Curse, depending on how you look at it)

Hello all,
I have not posted much lately, but I am going to be better at recalling all my most embarrassing moments, listing all the poop files, and updating everyone on how adorable my kids are. I have decided I will now tandem post. One funny story, and one kid story. Then, all will be equal in Melanie land!
So, Yin before the yang.
I don't know how many of you know this, but you are about to.
In 2007, a 5'2 woman gave birth to a 10 and a half pound child.
That was me. Oh yes folks, that was me.
Well, that delivery was empowering! Childbirth is always amazing, but somehow, when you have delivered a human being of that enormous size, you discover that you can now do anything.
Two Words.
Karaoke, Baby.
However, if you are afflicted with the Melanie Curse, Karaoke does not involve singing in a fun place like on My best Friends Wedding where the worse you are the louder people cheer.
Oh nooooo.
When you are named Melanie, and have discovered that you can do ANYTHING, karaoke goes a little something like this.
It was a night about one month after Baby Kyle was born. Joe and I decided to go on a double date with Joe's brother John and his wife Misty. We have a long and fun (until now) history with Dave and Buster's. Unrelated, but Joe and I once spent 300 dollars playing games there and with the tickets "won" two gigantic (the size of doghouses) Garfields! While our dog Bach tore into that Cat, (irony, anyone?), my friend Kristy still has hers! I will post a pic of it soon.
So, we were back at Dave and Buster's! Joe and John were immediately off to play those same addicting games! Misty and I were left to fend for ourselves. What happens when you leave two children alone? They get into trouble! Same principle applies to me. Apparently.
I wasn't sure that I wanted to play lame boring video games, and wasn't sure what I wanted to do until I spotted......THE KARAOKE ROOM!!!!
I dragged Misty over, and begged her, BEGGED her to do it with me! She was reluctant, as all sane people are. I used every argument in the book.
"Misty, I have two months to live. It's on my Bucket List!"
"Misty, don't you want people to hear your beautiful voice?"
"Misty, I dare you. I triple dog dare you!"
The clincher was when I tearfully told her of how for years I would sing Whitesnakes's "Here we go again" alone in my bedroom, with no one to witness my magnificent air guitar performances complete with head banging! (My husband walking in on me me bellowing into a hairbrush didn't count) Sure, I may have three kids now, I told her, but this is my chance to be hip again! To have a whole room of people cheering for my spectacularly bad rendition of this classic rock song!
Sigh. Said Misty. (literally the sweetest person to walk the Earth) Alright.
Heck Yeah!!!!
Before I go on. A list of things that might have signaled the riskiness of my carefree plan.
1. This was no disco lit bar. Or Club. Or anything resembling a place where people go to cast off their cares and have fun. This was a hastily converted Meeting area lit up like an operating room with a makeshift stage in the corner.
2. These people were not cheering. They. were. watching. And grumpy.
3. Misty's repeated pleas to me that she did not know the words to this song. Pshaw! I told her, it's easy! The words are on the screen! You just sing along to the song! Which brings me to number......
4. Having never done, or watched, karaoke before, I did not know much about the way this works.
Well, I ignored all those WARNING! signs, and got so excited, I was crackling by the time we hit that stage! Misty was dubious, but she trusted me. Something that I will pay for in the next life, I am sure. We got on stage, and I immediately made a critical error. I spoke before I sung. You will later learn why this was a terrible, terrible mistake.
"HEY EVERYONE!" I bellowed in my nervously ear shattering voice. I had also never spoken into a microphone before, and thus overcompensated.
"THIS IS OUR FIRST TIME!!!!" Strange tittering ensued.
Moments later, my inexperience with the art of karaoke came back to haunt me, and further disembowel me. You see, when the music began, I discovered something.
They don't play the actual song!
Yes folks, they play a tinny, one note version of your karaoke fantasy. In horror at this fact, I missed the beginning. Staring in horror at Misty, and the Karaoke MC, they both gestured to me to just plow right in. I stared at the words scrolling down the screen, and with no thought of the tune itself, I opened my mouth and started...."singing." Throughout the song, the tune never made its debut from my mouth as, being deaf in one ear, the sound of my own voice drowned out that feeble speaker, and without the actual song to prompt me with both the tune and words, well. You can imagine the train wreck. The train derailing and crashing into a wind chime store.
I also noticed while I was singing all the wrong words to all the wrong notes that next to me, Misty (who really does have a beautiful voice) was singing rather softly, her face pale. For a few brief seconds I wondered if something was bothering her, but I dismissed that thought as I finally got on track to roar through the end in my loveliest, loudest voice.
"HERE I GO AGAIN ON MY OOOOOOOOOOWN...." (Again, and again 20 or 30 times.)
Finally, like that train finally losing momentum, it all ended. The moment of truth! Would everyone cheer for me? Cheshire Cat like, I grinned and waited gleefully for the standing ovation.

Not a SINGLE hand made a move to clap! They all stared. But you know what? I didn't care! I was high on adrenaline, and bounced off that stage like a gymnast after winning the gold! About an hour later it finally occurred to me to ask Misty what had been wrong as we sashayed up there? It was then that I learned my first two statements (see above) before singing had led many ribald men in the audience to believe that Misty and I were lifelong partners (if you get my drift) having a baby together. They made many, many, many noisy jokes about these two telling statements. I, oblivious because of my bum ear and thunderous voice, had sung away in blissful ignorance. Misty, with perfect hearing, caught every word, but because of me, had to keep on going anyway.
I actually had fun, despite making an idiot of myself
But Poor Misty.
So, there you are. I did it! I sang Karaoke! Horribly, but LOUDLY! And that's all that matters anyway, right? Er......
Darn that curse!