Saturday, May 24, 2008

Things I Just Don't Get

Popcorn Munching
Now, don't get me wrong, I love popcorn. But have you ever taken a good look at people while they are eating popcorn? Universally, people take huge handfuls of the stuff and CRAM it into their mouths!!!!! I mean, why don't we, as an American Nation, eat popcorn one kernel at a time? I came to this question after nearly choking to death one night on a cup and a half of popcorn I had shoved into my mouth and just couldn't slime up with my spit enough to get it down my esophagus. That's when it occurred to me to wonder why. Perhaps you think you are the exception to this rule, and eat popcorn daintily, and femininely, and coquettishly. Trust me, you don't. There's just no explanation!

Grocery Stores and Babies
Why do babies start crying the minute you enter the grocery store? I mean, you could attach a feeding tube to your....upper chest....that goes straight to the babies stomach, and it would not matter. That baby is famished the instant it hits the WinCo. Scientists know, somehow, that babies are born seeing black and white, and that for the first few months they can only see a few feet in front of them. and that they can distinguish between different languages, and yet they have not proclaimed that babies know when they are surrounded by yummy food they can't have. Well, I am proclaiming it. When you pass by the brownie mix display, THAT BABY KNOWS!!!!

Hotel Rooms
What is the deal with those plastic quilted coverlets? Where do you buy them, even? Do they have, like, a motel/hotel room catalog? Who decided watercolors was the official artwork of the innkeeper's union? Why not art deco, or abstract, or something equally hideous? Why are there always ants in hotel rooms? (Yeah, yeah, I'm not rich enough to stay at the Holiday Inn, I know that already) What the heck is the ice machine for? To drink the tap water? Is there a world where people drink tap water? Holy cow, I have become a filter snob.

Talking to Ourselves
Talking to ourselves is a natural function. It helps us work problems out, say things to our mothers we would never say in real life, and pretend we sound like Celine Dion. The thing I don't get, is why we get embarrassed about it. Have you ever been going along, figuring, shouting, and/or singing away, when you realize what you are doing, and get embarrassed? Why? You are by yourself! Wait, maybe your guardian angel just told you your voice stinks.

I will add to this post as I think about things I don't understand. Which is hourly.