Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The "secret" life of people who listen to Ipods at the Gym

Hello folks. The title of this post suggests that I have given up on Costco to lose me my baby weight. I still maintain that you can burn lots and lots of calories from shopping at Costco. Unfortunately, Costco turned out to be, as the saying goes, "too MUCH of a good thing." The good thing referring mainly to giant pies, and huge flats of muffins, and 30 pound bags of cookies. I now am on the "Costco Flush Diet". So, its back to the gym for me.

This post title had "secret" in the heading, because, as we all know, gyms are not private. Whatever you do is on display for all the world to see. This being said, I have discovered the phenomenon that when you are working out publicly at the gym, and wear an Ipod, suddenly your hot, sweaty, activated body has gone incognito. Without headphones on, you are self conscious. You are aware of bodily functions, weird movements or sounds, and everyone around you. But when that music fills your ears, and blasts you to your otherworldly workout zone, you are invisible.Here is a famous question.
If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound?
This can be compared to,
If you do something embarrassing with headphones on so you cant hear it, does it still make a sound?
Duh, right? Here is a list of things that people do with headphones on. They cannot hear themselves, so in their reasoning, neither can anyone else.

Sing loudly, and very, very off key.
Not to mention the fact that most people do not know all the words to the songs they are listening to. So, if you happen to be next to one of these American Idol contestants, you will hear this.
hmmmmm...ddaaadaaa...LOVE IS WONDERFUL.....hmmmm...dadadada....OH YEAH ITS TRUE.....dadadummm....PEACHES....dadadummmdee......DANCE ALL NIGHT WHEN......dummmmdeedummdadadum....GOIN ON....dumdum....CAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry to say this, but people fart when they work out. And when they are listening to music, they don't restrain themselves like they would anywhere else, because they cant hear themselves blatting loudly, so obviously no one else can either, right?

Head bobbing, karaoke accompanying, arms flinging, bootie shaking moves!!!!

When gym goers work out, they get out of breath, that is a given. With no headphones on, it is slightly more difficult to restrain your breathing, but you do it anyway. This is what you hear next to someone with headphones on.
I actually prefer this form of breathing. It makes me feel that as long as the person next to me is bleeding from their lungs and is about to die, I myself can probably bump up my StairMaster to level 2.
And now for me. It is my turn for the confessional. I was recently given an Ipod for my birthday, so I too, became "Invisible" at the gym. I turned the critical eye on myself while hoofing it up and down the cardio machines, and realized what I do that I mistakenly thought no one could hear me doing.
I whinnie. Like a Horse.
When I am getting into it, and its getting harder and harder to keep going, I noticed that I push air out through my lips. For some reason this helps, but last night, I heard it after taking my headphones off for a few minutes.
PPPPPBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWBBB!!! Of course that's unreadable. But imagine the sputtery sound a horse makes in movies, and on TV and such.
That's me.
Imagine working out next to me, minding your own business, when out of the silence, a horse whinnies!!! Again! And Again! Loudly!!!!
So, I have started working out every night, whinnying, dancing, farting, singing, and loud panting. I am not knocking those who work out. I admire the healthy body seekers. But there is humor in everything, and if I can find the humor in the lung searing, muscle torturing, nose assaulting (fat melting) atmosphere that is the gym, I will die. Oh, I mean trying to find the humor, not exercising. (I hope!!!)


Liz & Charlie said...

Melanie, you are hilarious, thanks for that post...I needed a good laugh!!

Jenn Russell said...

You are quite the writer... a blog worth reading. I love your candid humor and honesty!

Christina said...

Oh that is so true (and SUCH a riot too). lol. Glad I found your blog and it was great to see you again today. Your baby is adorable, gosh aren't they getting big? Email me at and I can give you my address. :)

Christina said...

Shoot, can you email me again? I got as far as 'It was great to see you at Costco" and accidentally hit empty on the list and DELETED the darn thing. No email now... roflol. Ugh!

Amber said...

You forgot to mention the grunting noises they make, like they are constipated. Very entertaining blog. I will enjoy reading it in my free time. Make sure you update it often!