Wednesday, June 18, 2008


First off, I would like to officially CONGRATULATE my son Cleve on being potty trained!
Good job Cleve! When you can read in about 2 and a half years, you will say, "Thank you, Mom!"

Ok, Poop file #4. Now, I know you are all wondering how all of these horrifying instances could keep happening to me. I am not a, who cares? kind of mom. I am careful to the point of paranoia! Yet I seem to have diabolical bad luck. Whenever I "turn my back", literally or figuratively, a crisis strikes! In my next post, I will relate my past most embarassing moments, and you shall see.
Anyway, this horrifying story happened about 8 months ago. This one was inadvertently Joe and I's fault. We had gone on a long car trip to Utah, and in yet another of those seemingly endless timing snafus that kids seem to come born into the world with, Kurt had to go to the bathroom in a long 50 mile stretch between rest stops. After deliberating the pros and cons of having Kurt hang out of the window, we decided against it and pulled off the road. Joe took Kurt behind the car and found a handy rock, perfect for the astrodynamics and technicalities of...going behind a bush.
Anyway, everything went smoothly, and we continued on our way. Little did we know that we had then cemented an inaccurate philosophy into Kurt's three year old brain.
"If there is no bathroom immediately apparent, it's okay to go anywhere!"
Cut to the park, a week or so later. Except for three men installing a camera security system on the park rec center, we were the only people there. Kurt runs frantically up to me.
"Mom, mom, I have to go!!!"
Well sadly, I had no idea where the bathroom was. Despite searching, there were none to be found! At that time, Kurt would not have made it home. I also thought he was only suffering from the effects of drinking too many capri suns. So, since there was no one around, (except for those security men, but they were busy working!)I told him to quickly run behind a tree. BEHIND a tree. I grew up in a home with five other females and no boys at all. Since I have been married, and had three male offspring, I have learned how convenient boys are. Since I seemed now to be in a pickle, I took the convenient solution, and, sigh, paid the price.
Anyway, before y'all start judging my poor judgement, please remember some wise words.
"Let those who have never made mistakes cast the first parenting manual."
So, distracted by my other two sons, wether or not Kurt proceeded to do what I had told him to escaped my notice for a few moments. Even one moment is enough for a small boy. In his entirely sensible reasoning, Kurt deducted that this park was similar to the impromptu rest stop we had conjured up on our Utah trip. Combined with my careless misunderstanding of what he actually needed to do, embarrassment inevitably ensued. I turned around, and noted two immediate things. Make that three.
1. Kurt was NOT behind a tree.
2. It was a bad moon rising, if you get my drift.
3. The chatty security men were suddenly not so chatty anymore. Dead silent, actually.
Yes, yes, I felt like an idiot. What must those men have been thinking about me? That I casually and frequently let my children use the world as their restroom? But more importantly, I wondered if I could impale myself on the stroller! Especially since the torturous scene continued on for several looooooooooooong minutes. (I apparently do not feed Kurt enough bran.) Since Kurt was - indisposed - I couldn't immediately do anything! All I could do was shield him with the stroller, pray for death, and call Joe. When he picked up, I related the events, and waited for kindly spousal comfort and wisdom. I heard, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Then he caught his breath, and sympathized with my plight.
After my fiber deficient son was done, I carefully explained to him where it is actually appropriate to "go." Since it was not really his fault, I was not upset, but I don't know if he heard all of my calm speech anyway, as they were pretty much lost in the lightning speed of us flying the coop.
So you see, we all make parenting mistakes. I just hope those men get the laughs they deserve when they tell that tale at every family gathering for the rest of their lives.


Gordon said...

Melanie, I've been reading your blog and think it's awesome. I'm gonna make sure that everyone knows about it (who don't already, I may be the last one on the boat) You're really a great writer.

Amber said...

I think it was hilarious. Don't beat yourself up.

Christina said...

Aww, we ALL have mommy moments where we pray someone else understands. I totally get it (and have to admit I was laughing quite a bit by the way). That is the #1 reason I won't let Alex use the outdoors as a potty but also understand totally how it all happened. I swear, why do they HIDE bathrooms anyways? lol.

That's one to go in the baby books by the way.