Monday, July 21, 2008

The Melanie Curse by Proxy Edition 1

I apologize for the amount of curse stories, I'm on a roll, and its hard to stop. By the way, most of my family and friends know this story, but is legendary, so it still must be shared with the two or three people still living on this Earth who have not heard it.

Get too near me and the curse will land on you like nose snot germs. You've been warned, ok?

I feel like kid movies should have a disclaimer that runs before the film.

THIS IS A KIDS MOVIE. THUS, THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE. IF YOU ARE NAIVE ENOUGH TO COME HERE WITHOUT CHILDREN, YOU WILL STILL BE SUBJECTED TO THE NOISE THAT CHILDREN MAKE WHILE WATCHING MOVIES THAT HAVE SPECIFICALLY BEEN MADE FOR, YOU GUESSED IT, CHILDREN.
SO ZIP YOUR LIP


OK, that last sentence probably wouldn't be on there. Its just something I periodically yell at grumbling adults.
A few years ago, a movie came out that was entirely animated in three colors. White, Black and Blue. It featured penguins that screeched like Mary Murphy, and one penguin that put Gene Kelly to shame. It was Happy Feet. Despite its dubious plot, Joe and I decided that this would be the trial run for bringing our then 2 1/2 year old and 1 1/2 year old boys to the movies. We pulled out all the stops. Gigantic sodas, huge bags of butter drenched popcorn, lots of chocolate. We wanted to be prepared!
We were not prepared for the two childless curmudgeons seated in front of us.
The movie started off well. Our children seemed to be enjoying the movie and all the edible amenities of the cinematic experience. Then the 6th minute of the movie began, and interest was abandoned for the underrated pleasures of passing up fresh candy for old candy off the floor. Other sources of amusement came from the endless fun of bouncing movie seats up and down, racing back and forth up the aisles, and singing along with the penguins.
Since every other couple in the theater also had children (except of course for the one in front of us) we held out longer than we might have normally. About 25 minutes into the movie, we knew it was time to go.
I want to note that the decibel level of our children had not gone unnoticed by everyone. The couple in front of us had been so irritated by our children's behavior they had taken it upon themselves to loudly call our children names that drunk Alaskan fisherman don't sling in a barfight! Now that that is noted....
Distracted, we had eaten almost nothing of our snack bar schmorgasbord. As we stood up to go, it remained in the tray that was precariously balanced on a seat. Joe left first, then Kurt, then Cleve, and I would have been last. Well, that was the plan. Joe, Kurt, and Cleve made it out ok. As I stumbled last past the movie seats, I tripped over something on the floor. The point of impact was, of course, that expensive tray of uneaten food. Horrified, I watched my full 64 oz. drink jump ecstatically into the air, arc almost slowly, and with a crescendo of rattling ice, drench that horrible couple in front of us. But that was only course one! Immediately after being doused with the soda, the extra large popcorn descended upon them. And, in the exact order a real meal would go, their last course-dessert-(half eaten sticky chocolate) hailed down upon their heads.
I will never forget them gaping wetly, popcornly, and stickily up at me, their mouths hanging open in wide Os. Did I feel bad? YES. Did I apologize? I tried! You see, I have a personally frustrating reaction to uncomfortable, or awkward situations. I crack jokes or laugh. I can't not do this. Don't ask me why. Well, this was no exception. As Joe gestured at me frantically to follow him to the exit, I froze, and then, characteristically, started giggling uncontrollably. I tried to gasp out an apology, I tried! But all I could do was laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Never a word did this couple make. They had no problem rattling away before, but now, they just stared up at me in wide eyed, silent shock as I stood there shaking with laughter. In what seemed like a week later I was able to unglue my feet and get to the car, sigh, guffawing all the way.
It was horrendously awful and it was embarassing.
But. That couple had been really nasty!
Imagine seeing someone who had been tailgating you on the freeway get pulled over.
Yeah, it was like that.

3 comments:

Mom of 5 Gents said...

As one of the few people on the planet who had not yet heard this story, and a fellow mother who has experienced nasty adults in places meant for children, I thank you. Hilarious! :)

Nola said...

OK, I'm also one of the few, and I'm soooo glad you posted it because I'm ROFL!!!!

Liz & Charlie said...

melanie, these stories are gems, and you are awesome for sharing them...absolutely hilarious!