Friday, December 5, 2008

Almost drowning-and yet another fantasy shattered

Today, my friend Jill Stiber pointed out to me that my posts, while cutely dotted with photos of my perfect children, have been less and less funny. My poop files are depleted (though I have been ruminating over several "mini" poop files that may yet appear) and i am outgrowing the stubborn self destructive streak I thought was entrenched in my very soul that usually causes me to humiliate myself on a frequent basis. Also, on my sidebar are links to my cool friends. If you click on the mean mommy, you will laugh until your guts fall out, I AM NOT KIDDING. In the face of a woman whose mommy-themed comedic powers dwarf mine to the dust of the earth, I feel wholly intimidated and have tossed in the soiled baby wipe. But, while I wait for comedy inspiration to find me again (hopefully), here is a gem from my past.

My sister and I used to love Baywatch.
Pre-America's Got Talent (and various embarrassing you tube videos) we thought David Hasselhoff was the smartest, dreamiest hunk that ever ran the length of a beach. (We have a new opinion now) Naturally, we assumed that upon growing up, a daring rescue by a bronzed earthen god was inevitably in our Southern California future.
Yes, I have been rescued by a lifeguard. No, it was not like on TV.
In an earlier post, I mentioned "that fateful beach trip" Here it is.
The Ward Beach Trip
The year I was 14.
This is always a fun excursion. Finally, you get to see what the bishop looks like in swim trunks. Sometimes, even the stake president!
On this particular day, me and my very good friends
Crystle and Corinna decided to swim out PAST WHERE WE COULD TOUCH! For those who know me, this is a HUGE deal! Anyway, it was a windy day, and we got swept out just a little farther than we meant to go. Corinna and I were farther out then Crystle. For a while, Corinna and I tried, in vain, to swim back to shore. I cannot remember how long we tried, but I remember it as being a long time. We had no idea that we were "caught in the rip tide." And yes, y'all, I now know to "swim parallel to the shore" But I did not know THEN. Anyway, after a long time, Corinna and I realized that not only were we no closer to the shore, but we were getting really tired. We laughed nervously a few times, but that faded fast. Soon, Corinna and I were dunking under the water for a few moments just to rest a bit, and before I knew it, we were completely spent. I remember looking at her face, and realizing that we could actually drown. And Corinna's "dunks" were getting longer and longer. The timing here is amazing, just like a movie. Eventually, we were so tired, I actually had the thought, "this is it." I wondered how long I had. Right about then, Corinna dunked, and then did not come back up. "Corrinna?" I called nervously, then, "CORRINNA!!!!!!!" Then,
"CORRINNA!!!!!!!!!!!" And she did not come up! At that exact moment, a large sweater crested a wave towards us.
"You guys need some help?" called the sweater. That's when I realized that this was actually, a lifeguard. And he could have been a shark, I was that glad to see him. And no, at that moment, I did not think about how hairy he was, but boy, people, he was hairy. He pulled Corinna up, and together we grabbed the red board he had. Completely, absolutely exhausted, we lay on the board, expecting our savior sweater to pull us easily back to shore. He turned, opened his mouth and-
So, despite being exhausted to our cores, we kicked with him back to shore (it took a looooong time) when we staggered out of the water, he told us to stay out of the water, and walked off. Corinna and I looked at each other and exploded into giggles. We laughed deliriously at the fact that our illusion of a bronzed, herculean lifeguard saving us had just been shattered by a chubby, gorilla hairy, rude man. But lest you think we were ungrateful, we didn't actually reference these points for at least a gracious hour.
But our lives were saved that day, so, wherever you are, gorilla sweater man, thank you for saving us.
By the way,
Crystle was also saved, by a ripped, tanned, golden teenager who told her to lay down and relax the second he reached her. But there is no Crystle curse, just the Melanie curse, and sadly Corinna was with me and not Crystle.
(I am really grateful now, seriously, but you know how shallow teenagers are. I, sadly, was a very shallow teenager.)


Valerie said...

Too funny! Not the almost drowning part of course.

Stiber Family said...

Thanks Melanie! I was missing the stories! You are too hilarious. Keep them coming!!!!